January 15, 2010

How To Make 2008 A Great Year

I love this time of year, as we let go of the old and look ahead to the new. With a clean slate, we can re-create our jobs, relationships, spirit, and health. As we review the year about to close we gain perspective about what might enhance the future. This is a great time to reflect on where you’ve been and what felt right, dream about what you want, and plan for what’s next.

Reflection is not a normal pastime in today’s 24/7, busier-than-ever world. Speaking to an audience of 150, I typically find fewer than 10 people who spend even five minutes a day in absolute silence. Yet it is prayer, meditation, and communing with nature that help us turn down the volume of the outside world and hear the whispers of insight within our selves. So, before you do any reflection about 2007, turn up the quiet: take a long walk, visit a place of worship, or sit with your eye closed just paying attention to the rhythm of your breath. When your to-do lists have stopped popping up, try posing a question. How did I feel this year? What do I wish I’d spent more time doing? Where did I make a difference…to my family, friends, a cause, or at work? When did I feel most energized? What challenges did I survive? For what am I most grateful? Or, if posing questions doesn’t appeal to you, simply reflect on 2007 by creating a mental list of what you liked and didn’t like about the past year. Thinking about where you’ve been will prime your pump for imagining what you want next.

Lewis Carroll wrote in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, “If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll probably end up somewhere else.” A dream can be thought of as an intention – a desire that motivates us to move in one direction or another. The clear picture of what you want can make all the difference between feeling stuck or charged up to move your life forward. Dreams are also directional, serving as an inner compass regarding the best route to take. If you sometimes feel like a gerbil in a cage…running as fast as you can, but staying in place, it may be time to visualize what you want next year to look like. How do you want to feel? What do you want to accomplish? Where and how do you want to spend your time…and with whom? What would you like to learn? What do you want most? The key is to create a clear picture of what is best for you next.

The difference between happy and unhappy people is often how they use their energy. Successful people turn dreams into actions. They create goals related to what they want to accomplish, enjoy, experience, and contribute. And then they figure out how to achieve those goals. To create the kind of year you want next, consider setting four or five big goals, such as getting fit, enjoying work more, strengthening friendships, developing my spirituality, and making a difference. Then break each big goal into smaller, manageable objectives. For instance, if your goal is to enjoy work more, these objectives might fit: get along better with my coworkers, spend more time on work I like, clarify what my boss expects. From there, you can write a list of action steps that will move you closer to your goal. Take one step each day or week, and soon you’ll be approaching your dream. Imagine that next year is your best yet.

Stop and take stock. Dream big. Walk your plan.

November 2009
You CAN Buy Happiness

For many years research has indicated that wealth does not make people happier…at least not much happier. After basic needs are met, studies show, an increase in income only bumps our happiness slightly. Winning the lottery, getting a raise, or inheriting wealth just doesn’t result in the joy we might expect.

New research, however, is shedding some light on the correlation between wealth and happiness, focusing not on how much we have, but on how we spend it. Findings indicate that, indeed, we CAN buy happiness-if we spend on the right things!

For instance, psychologists Gilovich and Van Boven at the University of Colorado conclude that we become much happier when we spend on experiences (going to dinner with friends, taking a trip, going to cooking school) than when we buy things (new car, jewelry, flat-screen TV). It has to do with the residual effect of each. While the car, jewelry, or TV may make us feel elated at first, they soon lose their luster and no longer give us an emotional pay-off. In fact, soon we’ll want a bigger, better model. We’re no longer satisfied.

Experiences, however, have the potential of providing perpetual happiness. Every time you share photos of your trip to Spain or recall the belly-dancing class you laughed your way through with friends, your happiness level soars. Even if your luggage was lost, you got a speeding ticket, or someone stole your wallet, the pleasant memories will loom large with each retelling, getting better and better. We remember the good and become happier with each recall. So spending on experiences, like seeing the Sistine chapel, biking cross-country, taking yoga classes, having drinks with friends, actually does make us happier.

A second finding in this new field of research now labeled “conceptual consumption,” (spending on nonmaterial things) takes on particular significance in today’s economy. That finding is that spending on others (taking a friend to lunch, giving to charity) makes us considerably happier than spending on ourselves. In a study by social psychologists Michael Norton (Harvard) and Elizabeth Dunn (University of British Columbia), people who were “prosocial spenders” (spending on others) were significantly happier, regardless of their overall wealth. In another study they found that workers who spent a bonus check on gifts for others were significantly happier six to eight weeks later than those who spent it on themselves or saved it.

That’s not to say that we shouldn’t spend on ourselves. Indulging in small pleasures like a special coffee, favorite perfume, or new CD can lift us up. It’s just that we’ll be even happier if we also allocate something every day-as little as $1-to give away.

So the good news is that we really can buy happiness…no matter how much money we have. We just need to spend less on accumulating things, and more on what we enjoy. For increased happiness, invest more in what we know makes people happier: experiences (theater, trips, dinners with friends), challenges (hobbies, classes, new skills), and giving to others.  Comment on this blog

January 2009
The Bounce-Back Factor:
How to lift yourself up when the going gets rough

Economic environment got you down? Well, don’t despair. You’re not alone! If my circle is any indication, you’ve got plenty of company. And why not? It’s easy to be optimistic, gung-ho, and unstoppable when the environment seems ripe for success and happiness. You just put one foot in front of the other and –bingo!- you’ve reached another plateau on the climb to your goals.  

But, it’s a different story when life throws you one curve ball after another, and then starts pelting those around you too. A deal gone sour, a loan turned down, a job lost, a medical crisis, a college fund depleted…the list goes on. In what seems like a blink of an eye, life as we knew it has morphed into a new reality. What used to work no longer does, and what we took for granted may now seem like a far-away dream.

This turf is really slick  and running old plays that used to work, just won’t cut it. But that doesn’t mean we can’t win. It just means we might have to take a different tact. What we need is a new playbook that will help us be more resilient, bounce back, and still think “up” …even when things are looking down. It means trying out new tools, or at least sharpening those we haven’t needed in a while.

The seven steps that I’ve outlined below have proven helpful to me personally and to my coaching clients when either success or happiness have taken a dip. Look them over and see if any resonant with you.   

Take a deep breath.  When we’re anxious or stressed, we literally lose our breath. The shallow breathing deprives us of much-needed oxygen and our bodies react with rapid respiration, accelerated heartbeat, and increased blood pressure, further increasing the stress response. To break the  vicious cycle. Take a centering break. Sit quietly for five minutes and practice deep, cleansing, yoga breathing. Put your hand just above your waist, close your eyes and inhale slowly to the count of six feeling the “balloon” under your hand inflate. Hold for a few seconds, and then slowly exhale to the count of six,  feeling the “balloon” deflate. Repeat several times, relaxing the shoulders and neck.

Research at Harvard’s Mind/Body Medical Institute has shown that deep breathing is one of the most effective stress reducers at our disposal. See, your mother was right! When your mind (and heart) are racing, stop and take a deep breath or two…or four or more.

Other ways to restore your balance are to spend a few minutes each day in prayer, meditation, or taking a walk with Mother Nature. Make room for whatever helps you to put the brakes on the runaway train of stress, worry, fear, or panic.

Get perspective.  When things do not go as expected – and especially when the hits come in rapid succession – it’s easy to catastrophize. From one lost account, your mind might make the leap to “I’m going out of business.” From a job layoff to “I’ll never work again.” From a reduction in your investment portfolio to “I’ll never be able to retire.” To gain perspective, try rating the crumby situation you face on a scale of 1 to 10, according to how bad it is compared with other life challenges you have survived. Is it the worst you’ve ever faced? Is it as bad as, say, the divorce you went through, the health scare you weathered, or the loss of a good friend? Studies show that if we actually rate the stressful situation we face, it reduces our stress reaction, by providing a little perspective. Another way to gain perspective is to mentally list past challenges and recall how you came out of each. Suddenly your mind shifts from “victim” mode to “survivor” mode. You are reminded of your strength and resourcefulness. Perhaps you are reminded of what helped. A third way to gain perspective is to do a reality check by questioning the probability that  your imagined worst case scenario will actually occur. Or, if that probability looks high, what you can do to minimize the negative effect. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst, and your future won’t look quite so dim. 

Seek  inspiration. When the clouds roll in, it’s often hard to find a ray of sunlight. But that doesn’t mean that the sun isn’t there. We just have to go somewhere where it’s shining. If you are bombarded by negative talk, panicky partners, doomsday friends, and media “complainia,” it’s time to take a different path.  Deliberately sidestep any energy vampires –nay sayers, doomsdayers, or  same- old players. Avoid them vigilantly or prepare to have your energy drained so low it feels like your running on empty. Instead, turn off the television and re-read inspiring articles or books on your shelf. Check out positive ebooks, blogs, or motivational videos on the Internet.  Attend lectures or services at your place of worship or ask an “up” person what keeps them buoyed up. Call a successful colleague, explain why times are tough, and ask for ideas on how they’ve weathered their own storms. Their ideas may not translate exactly to your situation, but they are likely to prompt a few creative ideas of your own. Positive energy is contagious, so consciously seek it out. Don’t wait for the sun to come out where you are; move to where it’s shining.

Try something new. When the going gets tough, the tough make things up! hat’s right. New situations call for reinvention. Keep throwing the same old stuff against a new Teflon wall and none of it will stick. You’ve go to regroup, reinvent, fly in the face of tried and true, and find a new way to achieve your goals. In five minutes (no more/no less), brainstorm a list of all the steps you can take to get back on track. Don’t evaluate. Jus list sane, wild, silly, ideas. Then, go back and review your list. Chances are, your inner genius will have appeared…in the form of at least one new idea for moving forward. Give it a whirl. If no new ideas appear, ask a friend to brainstorm with you. If what you’re doing is not getting the results you want, give something new a shot. As long as the step is in the direction of your dreams, take it. 

Acknowledge what is good.  Right behind distress is fear. And the opposite of fear is feeling safe, loved, lucky, or blessed. So, when feeling threatened, be sure to shift gears -at least once a day- from all that is wrong to all that is right with your life. Studies at the University of Pennsylvania  have shown that the one biggest boost to happiness and life satisfaction comes from listing 3-5 things every day that you appreciate. Focus on big things: your health, home, neighbors, pension check, or your unique ability to sell about anything. Or focus on life’s little gifts: catching all green lights, getting the last doughnut, receiving a compliment or running into an old friend. It is impossible to feel blessed and stressed at the same time. So give the good a little air time!

Give something away. When life as we know it is threatened, we are often tempted to circle the wagons, protect what we’ve got, and stockpile for the future. But as anyone who has ever given something to someone else will tell you, when you offer a gift to someone else, you feel better yourself. Recognize someone for their accomplishments and your self-esteem goes up. Give someone a good idea, and suddenly your head is filled with others. Share your wisdom with someone else and you feel smarter yourself. Donate from your limited wealth and suddenly you feel “rich” and full. So, especially on days when you’re feeling “poor,” give a compliment, a smile, your time, your ear, or some extra change. Tell someone how much they mean to you…and you’ll feel lifted up too.  

Manage your energy.  Tough times can drain your energy, physically, mentally, and emotionally. To perform your physical best, eat right, avoid too much alcohol, sugar, or caffeine, exercise, and get plenty of rest –even if its not all at night! For mental fitness, be sure to use the rubber band theory that athletes use. Stretch for a few hours and then relax. Listen to music, go for a walk, laugh with a friend, or do a crossword puzzle. Give your flat-out, nonstop, mind-in-overdrive a break. When you return, you’ll be amazed. Whatever you were looking for will jump right out at you. Manage your emotional energy by: a) refusing to worry (accept or correct, instead), b) getting rid of guilt or grudges (apologize, make things right, or just forgive and let go), and c) generously giving and receiving love and affection. 

Seven ways to lift yourself up when life is looking down. If lately you’ve been stuck in a rut or running in place, maybe one or more of these tips will help you rediscover your most resilient self and get back in the game.  After all, a touchdown is a touchdown, no matter when you score!   Comment on this blog

September 18, 2007
Time To Finish Those ’07 Goals

It's hard to believe, but the final quarter of 2007 is just around the corner. If you're like me, you probably have a few things to achieve before the New Year rings in. If so, you might whittle your remaining goals down to your top three and give each a special push in the remaining three months of the year. Much can be done in 30 days. You can make a new habit of almost anything... daily walk, gratitude focus, eating more fiber, morning meditation.  You can tick off several chunks of a multi-part goal that you've been meaning to do... like contributing to the Katrina Relief Fund (get a brochure, write a check, collect from neighbors, volunteer to help at the next fair). You can also "re-start" a lapsed goal and complete it in thirty days. For instance, drink water and put your would-be coffee morning away each day for a month ($30-$60, depending on your java taste) and you'll get a jumpstart on your toys-for-tots donation. Or, maybe you "meant" to network at least one lunch a week this year and have fallen behind over the summer. Double up and thirty days might be all you need to get back on track. The best way to have no regrets at midnight on December 31st is to act now... one step at a time. It's never to late to move in the direction of your dreams; and it's never to early to imagine how you'll feel when you succeed.  Comment on this blog

August 30, 2007

I hope your summer has been filled with relaxing, rejuvenating, and rewarding ventures. The days have just flown by in my little corner of the world. My newspaper column and online articles have kept my writing spirit happy, while motivational speaking opportunities prompted travel to some new frontiers including Lake of the Ozarks, MO. In more of a practice-what-you-preach vein, I also spent lots of time with family and friends. A visit to my sister’s in New York City took me to the play, Color Purple, and a visit with friends in the quaint town of Nyack, NY. A vacation with my husband (and miniature poodle, Rocky) turned out to be a lovely respite on a small cove on Harbor Island in Southern Rhode Island. While I love summer on the East Coast –and the gardening, picnics, outdoor concerts, etc., I must say that as Labor Day approaches I always get excited. For me, September is like a mini-New Year – a chance to jumpstart or recommit to projects, and create a plan for what’s left of 2007.  I feel energized. Maybe that sense of a “fresh start” every Fall is engrained in me, since I was born in September and therefore truly do begin a personal new year.  Comment on this blog

August 17, 2007
Gratitude

I was on the radio Monday being interviewed about the connection between our thoughts and our happiness. One point we discussed seemed to strike a number of listeners was this: it is impossible to be sad, angry, or afraid at the same time you are feeling grateful. Gratitude - which research has shown to be one of the strongest happiness factors-activates our "serene brain" while de-activating our "cave man or fear brain." Just as we can't be in two places at once, we can't be processing poor-me thoughts at the same time we are processing life-is-good thoughts. So...if you find yourself feeling stressed out from what's wrong with your life, you can feel better fast by listing all the things that are right, beautiful, and meaningful in your life. From as small a thing as you got all green lights on your way to work to as significant as you avoided an accident. Focus on things you might normally take for granted (the birds chirping and the rain for your flowers) as well as things you never expected (a kind word from your boss or finding a ten-dollar bill). Your health, your job, your friends, your humble abode. Your ear for music, eye for art, or talent for music. The opportunity to help someone. Life presents us with much to be grateful for. To be happy, spend more time giving thanks.  Comment on this blog

Monday, July 30, 2007
Quick Lifts for Busy People

Ever feel stressed out, down in the mouth, or a bit low on motivation? If so, you might be wistfully waiting for a vacation. But what can you do if you just got back from vacation, or your weekends are full, or your evenings are all spoken for?

Don’t worry. As a life-balance coach, I can tell you that vacations are definitely overrated…at least as far as managing stress is concerned. They are too few and too infrequent to be an effective antidote to the chronic daily stress that (according to a landmark study at the University of London) puts us more at risk for cardiovascular disease than either smoking or a high-fat diet.

Think about it as the rubber band theory. Snap it once and it snaps back. Stretch it continually and it loses its resiliency. For ongoing mental, physical, and emotional energy, it’s important to refuel before your tank is empty. To help my coaching clients recharge on a daily basis, I knew I’d have to come up with quick-lifts that could be done anyplace, anytime. So although I think bubble baths, naps, and walks on the beach are great, you won’t find any such suggestions in my book -Recharge in Minutes. Instead, you’ll find 101 ways to refuel in place…in less time than it takes for a coffee break. So the next time your confidence takes a hit (how many criticisms can one person take in a day?), your portfolio tumbles (shrinking your nest egg), or your urgent to-do pile is so tall it’s leaning like the Tower of Pisa (and your energy is sinking just as fast), don’t wait for vacation. Try one of these quick-lifts…and recharge wherever you are.

Stop to Really Breathe. Sit quietly, inhale to the count of six as if filling a balloon just above your waist and then slowly exhale, feeling your balloon deflate and any tension subside. Repeat 3-6 times.

Keep a Commitment to Yourself. It’s easy to sell off little pieces of yourself by keeping commitments to everyone but you! List 6 things you’ve been “meaning” to do, and take one step toward one of your intentions in the next ten minutes. Suspend all of your “shoulds” for a few minutes and see how good it feels to do one thing that’s important to you.

Throw One Back. Consider one “little fish” that you caught without trying…from a friend, a boss, or family member. Now, shore up your courage, admit that you over-committed, and throw it back.

Get Physical. If your mind is in overdrive, give it a rest and let your feet take over for 5 minutes. Run up and down stairs. Go weed in the garden. Do jumping jacks, or a dozen sit-ups…or sprint to the store for a latte.

Unplug from Civilization. Turn on your voice mail and shut your door. Close your eyes and retreat to a favorite place. Hear the rain as you’ve heard it before, and smell the musty earth. Feel the sun caress your skin…and let it melt the tension. Stay for ten minutes; then as you leave, carry with you the serenity you experience in nature.

Get Out of the Blame Game. When life is spinning out of control, dishing out the unexpected, it’s easy to get caught up in finger pointing. The problem is that until you focus on what you can do, you’ll experience the stress of low control. Forget who’s responsible and figure out what you need to do next.

Keep the Faith. What we think influences how we feel, and how we feel influences how we act. When you suffer a blow, bounce back with the encouraging words you’d offer a friend. Recite a favorite prayer, read an inspiring quote, or just repeat silently, “I can handle this” or “The universe conspires on my behalf.”

Dream Your Life Forward. Bad situations are less stressful if we believe that they’re temporary. Pretend it’s two years from now and you are writing to a close friend. Describe where you’re living, what you’re doing, who brings you joy, and how you are making a difference. Dare to dream…and write it down.

Turn Complaints into Questions. When you complain, you drain your brain. It’s an admission that you’ve hit a dead-end. Instead, turn every gripe into a question that gets your brain fired up in search of a solution. Change “My luck stinks” to “How can I turn this to my advantage?” or “What can I learn from this?” or “ Who could help me with this challenge?” Help coworkers and friends turn their gripes into questions too. Soon you’ll be doing your part to stop global whining!